Game of Thrones Season 5 Finale: Mother's Mercy. AKA: Have Mercy! How many people are dead??!!

Hang onto your hats folks, it’s about to get bumpy. There’s dead bodies strewn all over the place. Or palace. Whatever. Keep up with the body count, mmkay?

First, Stannis wakes to find Melisandre happy that the gods have accepted his daughter’s sacrifice, and the snow has melted to Winterfell.  As well, her cauldron has shown her that the Bolton banners are burning. Say that five times fast. Except, whoopsie, there’s a problem. Half of his men have left and have taken the horses with them. Then, second problem – his wife was left hanging from a tree. Stannis is unfazed, and forges on! You see Melisandre bailing out as well. Stannis keeps going…To Winterfell! 

Dead = 1

Um, er, except Brienne finds out he’s on his way and surrounds him with the vast Bolton army. Fight, fight, fight. Dead soldiers everywhere. Stannis is in the woods giving it one last shot and kills to Bolton-boys, but takes a nasty cut to the leg. He’s against a tree when Brienne tells him she remembers seeing his shadow as he killed Renly with his blood magic. When he states that he did kill Renly, she announces that she’s Brienne, the big and tall, and her badassness has sentenced him to die by her mighty sword. He’s resigned... “Get on with it” he says, and she swoops down her sword. 

Dead = 2 + gazillion soldiers. 

Sansa escapes captivity with the help of a corkscrew and goes to the tower to light her candle. Except, Brienne doesn’t see it because she’s busy with the whole Stannis invasion. She stays in the tower and watches the battle below, coming out only when she sees the Bolton boys coming back. While trying to sneak back to her room, she is confronted by Myranda who is holding a bow and arrow to her chest. Sansa tells Myranda that she knows what Ramsay is, and that if she’s going to die, she wants to do so when there’s still some of her left. Myranda tells Sansa that she’s only around so that Ramsay can have an heir and a spare, then he’ll toss her bloody carcass aside and she’ll be back on top. Theon finally wakes up, pushes Myranda over the railing where she falls to the courtyard below. Splat. He grabs Sansa and the two of them jump step up to the castle wall and jump. Theon, not Reek, may finally be back in action.

  

 Dead =  3 + a gazillon soldiers. 

Jamie is taking Mrycella home, and along with her, the Oberyn son. As they are saying farewell, Ellaria gives her a giant smack on the lips, one of the Sand Snakes has some words for Bronn, and Ellaria gives Jamie a look. Off at sea, Jamie talks about how strange it is that the children of to families at war actually fell in love. When he starts on his speech about how you can’t help who you love (even if it is your sister), sweet Mrycella lets him off the hook and tells him she knows about him and her mom, and is happy that he’s her Uncle. Er, Dad. Dunkle. They hug it out, and then…she starts to get a bloody nose. Uh-oh. This looks familiar. She bleeds, shakes, and she's down. Seems that kiss was more than just a kiss. Ellaria is seen wiping lipstick from her mouth, drinking a potion (likely an antedode) and walks off. 

Dead = 4 +  a gazillion soldiers

Arya goes after her old foe Meryn. He’s working over three young girls with a whipping stick, and each cries out until he smacks the third. Silence. He wacks her again – and not a peep. Frustrated he vows to break her and punches her in the stomach and she goes down. When she looks up, she whips off her long-haired wig and it’s Arya! She asks him if he knows who she is, at the same time that she’s stabbing him in the eye! She continues to stab him while screaming “I’m Arya (muther-effing) Stark! And you are no one!”, then pulls him up to her and slices his throat. When she returns to creepy face room, Jaqen and the other chick are waiting for her. Jaqen tells her she has stolen a life from the Many Faced God and she must pay her debt. When it appears that Jaqen is going to make her drink poison, he downs it himself and she freaks. She’s crying beside him saying he was her friend, and the real Jaqen comes in and says he wasn’t. He was an imposter with no face. She rips off the ‘face’ on the faqen, and another appears, and another, and another until the face she sees is hers! Suddenly she screams that she cannot see and her eyes are clouded grey. 

Dead = 6 (Meryn and Faqen) +  a gazillion soldiers

In Meereen, Tyrion, Ser Jorah, and Daario are chatting about what to do know. Tyron calls out both men about loving her, and quips “neither one of you is fit consort for a queen, but we always want the wrong woman.” After some bantering about who can do what, Jorah and Daario go north to search for their queen, Worm stays behind to deal with the people as Jorah says he’s “the toughest man with no balls” around. Besides, Tyrion is there to advise him. Later, Varys shows up and it’s the Varys and Tyrion show again. 

Daenerys is off who knows where. Her petulant dragon son Drogon doesn’t want to take her home. She starts to walk off and is confronted by her old people, the Dothraki. First it’s one Doth on a horse, then more, then a bunch more, then she’s completely surrounded. Much like Olivia Pope, she drops her signature ring behind as a breadcrumb for others to find. 

Jon Snow and Sam have a conversation and Sam wants out. He wants to be a Maester, and take his woman Gilly and the child with him. He also shares his sexy times adventures and Jon appears impressed telling him “Glad to know the end of the world’s working out for someone!” Jon agrees to send him off and the three are seen riding out. Melisandre shows up with Jon Show and tells them that the princess is dead with just one look. 

Later, the Lord Commander goes to Jon and Olly rushes in and tells him there’s a Wildings found Uncle Benjen and knows he’s still alive and knows where to find him. Jon runs off and finds he’s cornered and confronted with a sign that says Traitor. He’s stabbed first by Allister, then by others, over and over as they claim “For The Watch” while sticking him in the gut. The last one to stab him is Olly. And that’s the final blow – Jon Snow goes down bleeding in the snow. John Snow in the Snow. NOOOOO. Not Jon Snow!! Shit! 

Dead: 7 + a gazillion soldiers

Cersei is again confronted by the Septa, and when she demands “Confess” this time Cersei says okay. She admits her trist with Lancel to the High Sparrow (but not much else) and is told that since she confessed, there won’t be a trial but she must under atonement – a brutal scrub-down by the maids, followed by the a new razor-cut hairdo.  The High Sparrow announces to the crowd that she’s publicly committed the acts of falsehood and fornication and has confessed her sins and begged for forgiveness. She must now “Cast aside all pride and present herself and the gods hade her” to the city – aka naked, to make her walk of atonement. She’s given a push by the Septa, who walks behind her ringing a bell and chanting: “Shame! Shame! Shame! (ding-ding), Shame! Shame! Shame! (Ding-ding-ding). 

It doesn’t take long before the people start screaming at her: Whore! Slut! Pitiful! Fuck Off! All Hail the Royal Tits! Sinner! Fucker! Bitch! Then throwing of the lettuce and veggies, she’s spat upon, has all kinds of other crap thrown at her.  Somehow this also prompts a few of the city loons to flash her as she goes by. I almost feel sorry for her. Almost. But not really because she’s Cersei and she has been a royal hag. She’s walked to the bottom of her palace where her guards let her in, and she promptly has a break down. Qyburn rushes to her and covers her, while the newest member of the kings guard has picks her up, but he’s take a vow of silence until all her enemies are dead so you don’t hear who it is. 

Final body count:

7 dead. Maybe. You never know! Jon Snow might have some super powers or the cold snow beneath him stops his blood flow and lowers his body temp and keeps him from dying. Or he can be reanimated like the White Walkers. 

Really dead: Stannis, his wife, Myranda, Myrcella, Faqen, Meryn, Plus, a ton of soldiers.

It’s a long 10 months until April 2016 when the show returns people. Really, anything can happen at this point. The show has basically caught up to the books in most all story lines and the new book, Winds of Winter isn't due out this year, despite excerpts that have been posted. There's speculation, guesses, theories, conspiracies, and wishes. Until next year...

I’m off to catch up on Orange is the New Black and a few other goodies. Keep watching!

Game of Thrones, Season 5, Ep8: Hardhome. AKA: Zombie Wars!

Once again the evil overlords otherwise known as "auto post" have magically deleted last week's recap. In a nutshell: Cersei's in jail, Tyrion and Jorah are sold as slaves and Tyrion is revealed as "the gift" for Daenerys, Sansa asks Theon for help. 

This week:

Tyrion finally meets Daenerys, who promptly asks him “Who are you?” and “Why shouldn’t I kill you?” Tyrion talks to Daenerys about their alliance. To gage if she can trust him, she asks him what she what she should do with Ser Jorah. She tells him he betrayed her and vowed to kill him should he return. Tyrion tells her she shouldn’t kill him off as he was once her faithful servant. She’s been betrayed, and like that old saying “hell hath no fury like a woman scorned” Daenerys banishes Jorah from the city again. Jorah asks to be enslaved again so that he can fight in the pits since he has nothing else to live for.  

They talk about how to get the Iron Throne and Tyrion tells her she would do better staying in Mereen since she doesn’t have support of many others: No Tagaryens, no Lannisters, no Starks. She wants it all, and tells him that the Game of Thrones is just a wheel and she’s not going to spin it, she’s going to break it. Tyrion tells her she can’t go in with force alone.

Cersei is in jail and looking a lot like Margaery – dirty and disheveled! She’ brought water by the Septa and holds out the spoon for her to drink and is scolded “Confess!”  When she refuses – she’s bitch slapped. I think this is my favorite part of the entire season. No, the entire series! She won’t confess to the High Sparrow! She won’t beg like some bare-footed commoner! She’s bid goodbye. She learns her trial is soon and she’s accused of fornication (check), treason (check), incest (check, check), and the murder of King Robert (um, check). Seems she’s been deserted and the young King won’t see her. Mommie dearest, that’s what you get for pissing off your son when he begged for his queen. Qybern tells her Kevan Lannister has control of the council, the burden of proof for her crimes is pretty low amongst the Faith, and she just needs to fess up – confess and be absolved. She refuses and again, and again, the Septa comes to bring her water and see if she’s changed her mind about spilling her sins. She does her wicked Cersei scream and calls for the Septa’s death. The Septa just pours the water on the floor, which Cersei licks up like a dog once the Septa leaves. 

Arya is playing the game of faces again. She tells Jaqen that her name is Lana, and she’s an orphan who begged enough money to buy a bucket of oysters, and once she has enough to buy more she walks through Braavos selling her gods. She’s good – not getting smacked once for her tale. After telling her story with no affect – she is told that she has done well and will make a fine servant for the Many-Faced God. She is told which direction to go with her goods, and report back what she sees. She ends up selling her oysters to a man that appears to be collecting gold. Jaqen describes him as The Gambler, but really he’s a cheat – gambling on the lives of merchants that sell themselves and their safe return for a price, somewhat like a strange insurance policy. When the merchant’s ships go down, he doesn’t pay the claim to the families of the dead merchant, as who is going to challenge him? Jaqen tells Arya/Lana to hand the gambler a vial of poison. When she heads out again, the other girl says she’s not ready, and Jaqen replies that it really doesn’t matter if she is ready or not. Hmm – if she’s not ready does she end up in the creepy Hall of Faces? 

Theon goes to deliver Sansa food and she asks him how he could rat her out and tell Ramsay that she wanted to escape. He screams that he isn’t Theon, he is Reek. In his mind, he saved her from the torture he experienced. Tells her how Theon was strapped to a cross and was carved away piece by piece until there was no more of him left. Sansa says she would do the same to him for what he did to her family. He confesses all his sins, including killing “those two boys”. Bran and Rickon weren’t the ones killed. He couldn’t find them so he used two farm boys that he killed and burned so no one would know. Sansa is trying to find out where they went. He freaks out and runs from the room but Sansa now knows her brothers live. Where the heck are they anyway? 

Ramsay wants to take on the Stannis armies rather than letting them die of starvation and cold. He tells daddy Lord Bolton that he only needs 20 men to do so. Eep! What is this sick dude up to now? 

And finally, Jon Snow goes with Tormund to Hardhome. He talks to the Lord of Bones who says that Tormund is a traitor, and Tor gives him the royal beat down with his own stick! So then Jon talks to the elders and tries to get them to go down south with him, and fight to White Walkers along with him when they come. He tells them they’re not friends, and his proposal isn’t about being BFF’s in the future – it’s about survival. They ask where Mance is and Jon tells them he shot him in the heart, but it was done in mercy. While many of the elders to with, others say behind. Ruh-roh! Not a good idea. As Jon is loading the boats with the Wildlings, World War Z (the movie version, not the book) and The Walking Dead collide and it’s an all-out zombie fest!! Where’s Rick and Daryl when you need them? Jon goes back to get the Dragonglass, and sees the White Walkers on their horses. Epic fight scene! Fight, zombie, eat, kill, slash, fall down, get back up. While real men are on the ground fighting, Wun-Wun the Giant is playing whack-a-mole smashing zombies with his feet. 

The White Walkers attack and crash through the swords of everyone except Jon, who has his super strength Valyrian steel on his side. Jon and his super steel take down The Lord Commander. Jon and Tormund then high-tail it to the boat while the other Wildlings are left behind go get eaten by zombies and resurrected. 

I can’t describe the impact of this scene – similar to the Red Wedding, it was epic, grand scale and well done!.

One thing is for sure: The series is diverging from the book and will soon be ahead of the story.

Game of Thrones, Season 5, Ep6: Unbowed, Unbent, Unbroken. AKA: Bent over and broken

So that just happened. 

Just when you thought that Game of Thrones couldn’t get any more gruesome, they did.

First, Arya continues to wash dead people. She keep asking questions – where are they taken? They go through a mysterious door that closes immediate after they take out the corpse, but then what? She puts her foot down and states she’s not giving anymore sponge baths to dead people until she gets answers. Hoo-boy. She got answers all right. First, she plays some slapstick version of Two Truths and a Lie, called Game of Faces. Except in this game when you lie, you get smacked with a stick. 

First, with her roommate. Then, Jaqen H’ghar asks her questions and smacks her when he catches her lying: She hates Hound. Lie. Smack. She wants to be No One. Lie. Smack. Later, a man brings his sick daughter to the temple telling Arya “She suffers every day of her life.”  Arya dons a straight face and lies to the girl, telling her she was very sick, once, and was dying. Since her father also loved her, so he brought her to the House to be healed by the waters from the fountain. She clearly lies her butt off when she tells the girl that drinking the water from heal her. Of course, it doesn’t, but she was able to lie and get away with it. 

This seemed to earn her some privileges and she is shown what’s behind door number 1. Jagen takes Arya to the Hall of Faces. Otherwise known as a creepy room with large columns of faces that the Faceless Man gets to use. Did you get that? Bizarre, I know. Any-hoots, my first question was “um, how do they get to the ones on top? Do they have to step on other faces to get to the top?” 

Next, Tyrion tells Jorah of his father’s death by the Nights’ Watchmen. Tyrion and Jorah are then captured and the men want to cut off Tyrion’s  *ahem* appendage,  because they think that dwarf cock has magical powers. *insert dirty comment here: doesn’t all cock have magical powers?* Tyrion convinces them to not give him a detachable penis and they agree – but only until they can find a cock merchant. They have cock merchants? What are those? IDK. it’s all so bizarre! When the fighting pits are mentioned, Tyrion also convinces them that Jorah is a prize fighter, and they should take him there. Of course, that just helps get them one step closer to the Dragon mother Daenerys. 

Littlefinger has given Sansa to the Boltons.  Littlefinger then returns to King’s Landing to tell Cersei that Sansa is alive and engaged to Ramsay. He also he promises her that the Knights of the Vale will fight for the Lannisters to take Winterfell. Why? So that he can be named Warden of the North. Cersei states she’ll believe him when he provides Sansa’s head on a spike. 

 Cersei also gets into it with her new daughter-in-law Margaery, who quickly calls in Gramma Lady Olenna as reinforcement. Lady and Cersei get into a verbal spar, and an inquest is held. Loras denies having relations with men, Margaery denies any knowledge of this until his boy toy is brought forward and confirms not only the relationship, but Margaery’s private peep show staring the two of them. Calling him a liar, he mentions Loras’ birthmark on his thigh. Whoopsie! Cersie is smug when she sees that both Loras and Margaery are carted off to jail. 

Cersei’s daughter Myrcella is in the garden with her betrothed Prince Martell when Jamie and Bronn bust in to save her. She doesn’t want to go with uncle/daddy Jamie. The Sand Snakes, a trio of women warriors that are Prince Oberyon’s daughters, come in ready to off Myrcella and Jamie and Bronn are in their way. They all end up duking it out until the guard Hota comes in and breaks it up, arresting Jamie and Bronn. 

Sansa is completing her bathing ritual before her wedding to twisted Ramsay. Her attendant, Myranda, tells tales of Ramsay’s abuse and his evil twisted ways. Sansa snaps back “How long have you loved him?” and lifts her chin “I’m Sansa Stark of Winterfell (biatch). This is my home. You can’t frighten me.”  Um, maybe you should have paid a bit more attention to Myranda. 

Theon is Sansa’s escort and he hands her off to be married to Ramsay. They retreat to the bedroom – and I mean THEY. All three of them: Ramsay, Sansa and Theon. Ramsay asks if she’s a virgin telling her not to lie to her new husband. He then tells her to remove her clothes, and orders Theon to stay put. And watch. “You’ve known Sansa since she was a girl. Now watch her become a woman.”

The scene ends with a close up of her face down on the bed, crying. Theon standing in the corner, crying. Sansa is bent over and Theon is broken again. SO disturbing, yet it's not. Ramsay is more evil than Jofrey. Theon is too beaten down to stop it. Sansa knows fighting will make it worse. 

What did this scene accomplish? It’s not on the books. It’s not even Sansa that marries Ramsay – it’s a girl pretending to be Arya.Where is GoT going with this? What are they setting up? We'll just have to wait and see....