More confessions of a bad-Catholic girl during lent...

Last year, I was in a pickle. I had no idea what to give up as a measure of sacrifice for Lent and had to phone a friend for a lifeline. For most, the thought of Lent brings up giving up something that you’ll actually miss. It’s supposed to show discipline, dedication. As a child, many of us gave up candy only to return to the gluttony of sweetness with a basket full of sugary crap on Easter. More recently as an adult, I’ve given up habits. Coffee. Laziness. Cursing. Yah, that last one didn’t go very well. Neither did giving up coffee come to think of it. Cranky much? Yes, I was. While some years worked better than others, I often failed. 

Sorry.

This year, I had to think again: what could I sacrifice? What would I do that would not only improve my well being, but really be something that would require a significant change in behavior on my part. I came to a simple conclusion:

I would give up saying “I’m sorry.”

What the WHAT? 

Why would you stop apologizing? Sounds selfish, right? Making this all about me? You’re right.

 I am making this about me. About being a better me. I need to remember that I can’t please everyone, and when other people are not satisfied with something, I shouldn’t have to apologize for it. I shouldn’t be beating myself up feeling guilt and creating negative feelings about myself over and over and over again when I don’t need to do so.

If I did my best, which by the way – will vary and have different levels and definitions on any given day (and sometimes throughout the day), then why should I apologize for something when I didn’t do anything wrong? If I didn’t get something done fast enough because I wanted to do it right, didn’t I still complete it? If I worked hard on a project and it needed revisions, or it didn’t work out, I still did my best work possible. If I didn’t clean the house, it’s still a home, right?  Work. Home. Husband. Mother. Friends. Strangers.

 I’ve become conditioned to serving others. Jump when they ask. When I don’t jump high enough, or move fast enough for their needs, I apologize for it. Why do I do this? I can’t find a good answer. So, I’m done. Not doing it anymore.

Don't get me wrong. If I do something that really is my own f*ck-up, I'll admit it. I'll apologize. But saying "Sorry" just because I failed to meet your expectations? Nope. Not gonna happen. 

According to the Catholic Church, the reason to “give something up” is to start a conversion. A change. This is a conversion. While the goal is to abstain from sin, I have to find that I have to stop sinning against myself. I have enough self-criticism and self-guilt for a whole host of things, including not “being enough,” to last a lifetime.

For me, there’s only one way to stop adding to those negative feelings. I’m going to start by stopping the apologies. Knowing that I did my best. Feeling better about myself. Loving myself more. In the end, when that happens, and I can fully love myself, then unconditional love of others can follow. Isn’t that what being a good Catholic is all about anyway? 

So, for those that don’t agree with my Lenten sacrifice? 

 #SorryNotSorry

Hate to Love You by Elise Alden

Despite my slutty reputation, I was technically a virgin at eighteen. But it turns out all those sex-ed teachers aren't just trying to scare you. The faint positive on a budget pregnancy test sent me spinning, moments before meeting my sister's snooty new fiancé.
Shaking hands with upper-crusty James was like downing a triple shot of vodka. Dizzy with desire, confused by my body's reaction, and shocked by the possessiveness flashing in his eyes, I deceived him that night and told the world at their wedding reception.

The truth?
I slept with my sister's fiancé. Hot and sweaty, all night long in a room so dark he couldn't tell I wasn't her.

The lie?
Said fiancé is the father of my child. The one I signed over my rights to just before he was born. That was seven years ago.

It's time to come clean.
_____________________________________________________________

Paisley Benton is having a really bad day. It’s her 18^th birthday. She lives a troubled life. She’s the daughter of deeply religious parents – ones that married when her mother (a technical virgin) became pregnant with her older sister Caroline.  Paisley, fresh out of rehab, is now facing the same scare – being pregnant without actually having intercourse. Freaking out, she takes an inexpensive home pregnancy test and it’s positive.Later that day, Caroline brings her fiancé James home for a visit and Paisley meets him. Sparks. Connection. Attraction. 

“The air between us charged as the frenzied atoms zapped his thoughts straight into me, possessive and indisputable. <<Mine.>>” 

She’s annoyed at his status – rich, confident, and successful, but finds him mesmerizing “Arrogant prick”. He’s equally repulsed and attracted to her “Slutty little sister”. While he’s trying to make an impression on the parents, Paisley is doing her best to un-nerve him. Insults and jabs are traded back and forth, and Paisley is doing her best to cause trouble. During a brief moment alone, they agree to a truce. Friends. Then a friendly happy birthday wish sealed with a kiss ignites them both. Realizing the mistake he just made, James sets her aside, they both throw out more insults, and he gives her the ultimate insult: “Maybe one day you’ll find a man who doesn’t mind settling for what you offer…you wouldn’t meet my standards regardless of how long it’s been…”. 

She’s stunned and hurt, going to her room she ends up reaching for the bottle. Drunk, she wanders into her sister’s room trying on her sister’s clothes, and passes out naked in Caroline’s bed. James shows up in Caroline’s room drunk as well, and thinks that she’s changed her mind about staying over with a friend. James confesses to kissing Paisley, and Paisley goes along with the game pretending to be her sister. He admits his attraction to Paisley, and she (as Caroline) encourages him to tell her more. Thinking it’s Caroline, he seduces her and sleeps with Paisley saying it was the best night of his life. 

Three months later – Caroline and Paisley have a blow-out the night before the wedding. Seething and seeking revenge over her sister’s actions, Paisley gets drunk, makes a public toast, and tells her everyone she slept with James and he is the father of her child, and throws Caroline’s words from the night before back at her. 

Paisley leaves town, going to Spain to try to escape the drama and aftermath of her wedding fiasco. Seven years later, Paisley returns from Spain and tries to make amends with James, her son, and herself. 

Oh man, this book just about killed me. I was conflicted. I was angry. I was laughing. I wanted to shake her and smack her upside the head for continually behaving like a twit. Then I wanted to hold her and be her BFF and tell her everything was okay and it wasn’t her fault. Paisley was juvenile, brash, uncensored, and self-destructive.  Her family was crappy, her sister Caroline was evil, there’s an incident with her uncle that marked her and vilified her, and religious attitudes from her parents that stifled her. She was the one that was disappointing, a black sheep next to her sister the golden child. Alone and confused, she acts out to compensate for the lack of compassion and love from her family.  She operates under the mantra of “any kind of attention is attention.”   

In the end, Paisley grows, learns, and understands the meaning of redemption. She also learns the meaning of self-sacrifice. I found myself hoping she’d come out the winner in this game of life. Wishing someone would just give her a break and allow her to find happiness. I wasn’t disappointed. 

This is a difficult read – as the content is not something that should be acceptable. Cheating? Nuh-uh. No way. But in this setting, you see what pushed her to behave the way she does, and how others decisions have shaped her life. She’s a fighter, and you want to root for a character like hers to come out winning. Go in with an open mind, and you’ll find an enjoyably complex read from a new author.

 

Burned by Tara Sivec is a smokin' hot read!

Seventeen years old when he broke my heart.
Seventeen days later when another picked up the pieces.
Seventeen years together.
Seventeen thousand problems.
Seventeen days of reliving my past and finding a new future.
Seventeen minutes until it all went up in flames.
Seventeen breaths until I took my last.
This is my story…and it’s going to burn. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Finnley Morgan and Collin McDaniels were high school sweethearts. Until he breaks her heart, dumping her via a note passed through a friend. Two weeks later, Jordan Castillo enters and one look at him and she doesn’t look back. Jordan and Finnley married, and 17 years later, Finn is fed up. She’s tired of his lies, tired of his addictions, tired of his broken promises. 

“His words cut like a knife and he thinks that an apology can staunch the bleeding. He has no idea that these words have piled up until the scars on my heart are so jagged there is no sewing them back together.” 

Needing it all to end, she sends him packing. Jordan doesn’t believe this is permanent, as she’s threatened to leave him before. This time, she really does it. She files for a legal separation and Jordan is served his walking papers.  

Just after kicking JC to the curb, she’s with her friend Seraphina at their old college hang-out. Collin McDaniels is there as well with his friend D.J. Taylor, and Finn and Collin are like magnets to each other - just confirming that they’ve never really gotten over each other. 

“…when you realize that a part of your heart and soul always remained in the hands of another.”

Collin calls her Lee, his old nickname for her, and she melts. The smoldering attraction between them boils over into a raging inferno. They are hot for each other. 

“You’re playing with fire, Lee”
“Lucky for me, you’re a fireman and you can put out the fire”

Unleashed passion from years of longing. When these two finally do get together, they combust. SMOKIN' HOT! 

“Open your eyes and watch” he demands softly… 

Finn is in her happy bubble and Collin is ready to let her stay there. Except, here comes Jordo. He invades their space and causes a scene. While Finn and Collin are finding their way back to each other, Jordon refuses to let Finn go easily. He follows her, threatens her, and eventually, tries to take her away from Collin for good. 

This isn’t just a romantic suspense or erotic book. It’s much more than that. I’ve mentioned before that I love when books make me feel, and let me tell you, I felt a ton in this book! I laughed. I was angered. I was hopeful. I was heartbroken. I cried. At one point, I felt the oxygen leave my lungs, I gasped and was afraid to turn the page. At the same time, couldn’t wait to get to the next word, the next sentence, the next paragraph, the next page. I was consumed. I was so engrossed in this book I lost sleep. I didn’t care. 

While there were some hot and sexy times between Finn and Collin, there was also a great story of a woman seeking and finding herself, her own independence, her own identity, and her own strength. 

“I’m not this woman any more, this woman who sits in silence and lets life happen all around her.”

It was a story about lost love, and love found. It was about passion - for others, for art, and for life. It was about knowing when to say when, when to fold your cards, take your chips, and walk away. It’s about savoring every moment of life you are given, and living that life well. 

I’m a big fan of Tara’s work, and after this, I truly believe that everything she writes is gold. She’s one of the few authors that has made me laugh so hard I snorted and had people sending strange glances my way, and feel the angst all the way down to the pit of my stomach making me want to hurl. When I get the feels, I know it’s good.  While I’m waiting for the third book in the Fool Me Once series to be released (then a review of all three will be posted), I’m also secretly waiting for her to write a sequel to this novel with D.J. and Phina. There’s a story there to tell, and if Tara writes it, you can bet I’ll read it! 

Go get your own copy now! Amazon http://tinyurl.com/p3a3vrf Barnes and Noble: http://tinyurl.com/nvsuyt4

Visit her at www.tarasivec.com, follow her on Twitter, and on Facebook. Her blog is pretty awesomesauce as well - just hilarious!