Hang onto your hats folks, it’s about to get bumpy. There’s dead bodies strewn all over the place. Or palace. Whatever. Keep up with the body count, mmkay?
First, Stannis wakes to find Melisandre happy that the gods have accepted his daughter’s sacrifice, and the snow has melted to Winterfell. As well, her cauldron has shown her that the Bolton banners are burning. Say that five times fast. Except, whoopsie, there’s a problem. Half of his men have left and have taken the horses with them. Then, second problem – his wife was left hanging from a tree. Stannis is unfazed, and forges on! You see Melisandre bailing out as well. Stannis keeps going…To Winterfell!
Dead = 1
Um, er, except Brienne finds out he’s on his way and surrounds him with the vast Bolton army. Fight, fight, fight. Dead soldiers everywhere. Stannis is in the woods giving it one last shot and kills to Bolton-boys, but takes a nasty cut to the leg. He’s against a tree when Brienne tells him she remembers seeing his shadow as he killed Renly with his blood magic. When he states that he did kill Renly, she announces that she’s Brienne, the big and tall, and her badassness has sentenced him to die by her mighty sword. He’s resigned... “Get on with it” he says, and she swoops down her sword.
Dead = 2 + gazillion soldiers.
Sansa escapes captivity with the help of a corkscrew and goes to the tower to light her candle. Except, Brienne doesn’t see it because she’s busy with the whole Stannis invasion. She stays in the tower and watches the battle below, coming out only when she sees the Bolton boys coming back. While trying to sneak back to her room, she is confronted by Myranda who is holding a bow and arrow to her chest. Sansa tells Myranda that she knows what Ramsay is, and that if she’s going to die, she wants to do so when there’s still some of her left. Myranda tells Sansa that she’s only around so that Ramsay can have an heir and a spare, then he’ll toss her bloody carcass aside and she’ll be back on top. Theon finally wakes up, pushes Myranda over the railing where she falls to the courtyard below. Splat. He grabs Sansa and the two of them jump step up to the castle wall and jump. Theon, not Reek, may finally be back in action.
Dead = 3 + a gazillon soldiers.
Jamie is taking Mrycella home, and along with her, the Oberyn son. As they are saying farewell, Ellaria gives her a giant smack on the lips, one of the Sand Snakes has some words for Bronn, and Ellaria gives Jamie a look. Off at sea, Jamie talks about how strange it is that the children of to families at war actually fell in love. When he starts on his speech about how you can’t help who you love (even if it is your sister), sweet Mrycella lets him off the hook and tells him she knows about him and her mom, and is happy that he’s her Uncle. Er, Dad. Dunkle. They hug it out, and then…she starts to get a bloody nose. Uh-oh. This looks familiar. She bleeds, shakes, and she's down. Seems that kiss was more than just a kiss. Ellaria is seen wiping lipstick from her mouth, drinking a potion (likely an antedode) and walks off.
Dead = 4 + a gazillion soldiers
Arya goes after her old foe Meryn. He’s working over three young girls with a whipping stick, and each cries out until he smacks the third. Silence. He wacks her again – and not a peep. Frustrated he vows to break her and punches her in the stomach and she goes down. When she looks up, she whips off her long-haired wig and it’s Arya! She asks him if he knows who she is, at the same time that she’s stabbing him in the eye! She continues to stab him while screaming “I’m Arya (muther-effing) Stark! And you are no one!”, then pulls him up to her and slices his throat. When she returns to creepy face room, Jaqen and the other chick are waiting for her. Jaqen tells her she has stolen a life from the Many Faced God and she must pay her debt. When it appears that Jaqen is going to make her drink poison, he downs it himself and she freaks. She’s crying beside him saying he was her friend, and the real Jaqen comes in and says he wasn’t. He was an imposter with no face. She rips off the ‘face’ on the faqen, and another appears, and another, and another until the face she sees is hers! Suddenly she screams that she cannot see and her eyes are clouded grey.
Dead = 6 (Meryn and Faqen) + a gazillion soldiers
In Meereen, Tyrion, Ser Jorah, and Daario are chatting about what to do know. Tyron calls out both men about loving her, and quips “neither one of you is fit consort for a queen, but we always want the wrong woman.” After some bantering about who can do what, Jorah and Daario go north to search for their queen, Worm stays behind to deal with the people as Jorah says he’s “the toughest man with no balls” around. Besides, Tyrion is there to advise him. Later, Varys shows up and it’s the Varys and Tyrion show again.
Daenerys is off who knows where. Her petulant dragon son Drogon doesn’t want to take her home. She starts to walk off and is confronted by her old people, the Dothraki. First it’s one Doth on a horse, then more, then a bunch more, then she’s completely surrounded. Much like Olivia Pope, she drops her signature ring behind as a breadcrumb for others to find.
Jon Snow and Sam have a conversation and Sam wants out. He wants to be a Maester, and take his woman Gilly and the child with him. He also shares his sexy times adventures and Jon appears impressed telling him “Glad to know the end of the world’s working out for someone!” Jon agrees to send him off and the three are seen riding out. Melisandre shows up with Jon Show and tells them that the princess is dead with just one look.
Later, the Lord Commander goes to Jon and Olly rushes in and tells him there’s a Wildings found Uncle Benjen and knows he’s still alive and knows where to find him. Jon runs off and finds he’s cornered and confronted with a sign that says Traitor. He’s stabbed first by Allister, then by others, over and over as they claim “For The Watch” while sticking him in the gut. The last one to stab him is Olly. And that’s the final blow – Jon Snow goes down bleeding in the snow. John Snow in the Snow. NOOOOO. Not Jon Snow!! Shit!
Dead: 7 + a gazillion soldiers
Cersei is again confronted by the Septa, and when she demands “Confess” this time Cersei says okay. She admits her trist with Lancel to the High Sparrow (but not much else) and is told that since she confessed, there won’t be a trial but she must under atonement – a brutal scrub-down by the maids, followed by the a new razor-cut hairdo. The High Sparrow announces to the crowd that she’s publicly committed the acts of falsehood and fornication and has confessed her sins and begged for forgiveness. She must now “Cast aside all pride and present herself and the gods hade her” to the city – aka naked, to make her walk of atonement. She’s given a push by the Septa, who walks behind her ringing a bell and chanting: “Shame! Shame! Shame! (ding-ding), Shame! Shame! Shame! (Ding-ding-ding).
It doesn’t take long before the people start screaming at her: Whore! Slut! Pitiful! Fuck Off! All Hail the Royal Tits! Sinner! Fucker! Bitch! Then throwing of the lettuce and veggies, she’s spat upon, has all kinds of other crap thrown at her. Somehow this also prompts a few of the city loons to flash her as she goes by. I almost feel sorry for her. Almost. But not really because she’s Cersei and she has been a royal hag. She’s walked to the bottom of her palace where her guards let her in, and she promptly has a break down. Qyburn rushes to her and covers her, while the newest member of the kings guard has picks her up, but he’s take a vow of silence until all her enemies are dead so you don’t hear who it is.
Final body count:
7 dead. Maybe. You never know! Jon Snow might have some super powers or the cold snow beneath him stops his blood flow and lowers his body temp and keeps him from dying. Or he can be reanimated like the White Walkers.
Really dead: Stannis, his wife, Myranda, Myrcella, Faqen, Meryn, Plus, a ton of soldiers.
It’s a long 10 months until April 2016 when the show returns people. Really, anything can happen at this point. The show has basically caught up to the books in most all story lines and the new book, Winds of Winter isn't due out this year, despite excerpts that have been posted. There's speculation, guesses, theories, conspiracies, and wishes. Until next year...
I’m off to catch up on Orange is the New Black and a few other goodies. Keep watching!