Wednesday, April 1, 2015

Justin Bieber Roast...aka: Martha Stewart is gangsta!

Who says there’s nothing good on television anymore? 

I mean seriously, did you catch the Comedy Central roast of Justin Bieber? When I first heard that he was going to be roasted, I thought  “UGH? WHY?”   

But then, thought about all the shizzle that little turd has done (reckless driving, vandalism for egging neighbor’s house, arrested for DUI, and assault), and realized that the dudes at Comedy Central are genius! 

They found a bizarre mix of people to participate in the roast: Kevin Hart, Ludacris, Snoop Dogg/Lion, SNL's Pete Davidson, Jeff Roth, Will Ferrell as Ron Burgundy, and Martha Effing Stewart! Each took some jabs at his arrests and drama with the law, his sometime gal-pal Selena Gomez, and of course, those rabid tween fans of his. 

Snoop was lit and loaded, Ron Burgundy swilling some amber liquid, Shaq chillin’ and smiling wide, and audience members alternating between fits of laughter, and embarrassed, uncomfortable grimaces when the topics turned too close to home for them. 

A few of the best lines of the night thrown at the Beebs: 
“You are the King Joffrey of Pop.” (*My personal favorite*)

“Selena Gomez wanted to be here but she’s dating men now”

Bieber has 10 million fans. Most of them are in middle school or standing at least 500 feet from one.” – Kevin Hart 

“When you get to the county jail, hear me, you're gonna be the first dude who ever had a girlfriend and a boyfriend named Gomez.” - Snoop

 “This kid has spunk, moxie, and probably a few other STDs.” - Ron Burgundy

Martha Effen Stewart showed that jail time did nothing to the queen of clean. Her thug life equipped her to deliver deadpan jabs at the men around her. 

“I’m here to give Justin Biebersome tips for when he inevitably ends up in prison. Change up those tattoos, you have an owl on your arm and the word patience on your neck. I would suggest the words white power full back so you don’t look like a 14-year old’s trapper keeper.”

“Justin, you have no idea what you're in for. I'm sure it's great to have 60 million followers on Twitter, but the only place people will be following you in jail is into the shower.”

Even better than the one-liners slung at the Beeb, those doing the roast got a bit burned as well. While commenting on Ludacris’ and his three baby-mama’s Martha dropped this one: 

“I believe the bedroom is the most important rooms in the house. But I don’t have to tell you that Ludacris. You have three kids, with three different women. May I suggest pulling out sometime, and finishing on some fine, highly absorbent Martha Stewart bed linens?”

Martha Stewart. Changing people’s lives for the better. 

In the end, Bieber got up and delivered a few one liners that weren’t nearly as good as those thrown at him. He also gave this, um, heartfelt speech: 

“There’s been moments I’m really proud of and a lot of moments I look back and I’m pretty disappointed with myself for. But the things that I’ve done really don’t define who I am. I’m a kind-hearted person who loves people and, through it all, lost some of my best qualities. For that, I’m sorry. But what I can say is that I’m looking forward to being someone you can look at and be proud of.”

*Cough* *Gag* Really dude? You want me to believe that you’re suddenly going straight, being a good little pop-star, and not going to get into more trouble? I’m not so sure. So what was that all about?  A publicity stunt? A public way to let everyone bash him so he can come clean and start over? Did he really just have another birthday, wake up, and realize that he was a giant douche canoe? The entire “Fallen-Angel” metaphor? 

People can grow up and get their shit together. Some do it, others….well, not so much. Just read the headlines, as there are sadly too many to name.  Only time will tell what will happen with this dude.

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