Who says there’s
nothing good on television anymore?
I mean seriously,
did you catch the Comedy Central roast of Justin Bieber? When I first heard
that he was going to be roasted, I thought
“UGH? WHY?”
But then, thought
about all the shizzle that little turd has done (reckless driving, vandalism
for egging neighbor’s house, arrested for DUI, and assault), and realized that
the dudes at Comedy Central are genius!
They found a
bizarre mix of people to participate in the roast: Kevin Hart, Ludacris, Snoop
Dogg/Lion, SNL's Pete Davidson, Jeff Roth, Will Ferrell as Ron Burgundy, and
Martha Effing Stewart! Each took some jabs at his arrests and drama with the
law, his sometime gal-pal Selena Gomez, and of course, those rabid tween fans
of his.
Snoop was lit and loaded, Ron Burgundy swilling some amber liquid, Shaq
chillin’ and smiling wide, and audience members alternating between fits of
laughter, and embarrassed, uncomfortable grimaces when the topics turned too
close to home for them.
A few of the best
lines of the night thrown at the Beebs:
“You are the King Joffrey of Pop.” (*My
personal favorite*)
“Selena Gomez wanted to be here but she’s
dating men now”
“Bieber has 10 million fans. Most of them
are in middle school or standing at least 500 feet from one.” – Kevin Hart
“When you get to the county jail, hear
me, you're gonna be the first dude who ever had a girlfriend and a boyfriend
named Gomez.” - Snoop
“This kid has spunk, moxie, and probably
a few other STDs.” - Ron Burgundy
Martha Effen
Stewart showed that jail time did nothing to the queen of clean. Her thug life
equipped her to deliver deadpan jabs at the men around her.
“I’m here to
give Justin Biebersome tips for when he inevitably ends up in prison. Change
up those tattoos, you have an owl on your arm and the word patience on your
neck. I would suggest the words white power full back so you don’t look like a
14-year old’s trapper keeper.”
“Justin, you
have no idea what you're in for. I'm sure it's great to have 60 million followers
on Twitter, but the only place people will be following you in jail is into the
shower.”
Even better than
the one-liners slung at the Beeb, those doing the roast got a bit burned as
well. While commenting on Ludacris’ and his three baby-mama’s Martha dropped this
one:
“I believe the
bedroom is the most important rooms in the house. But I don’t have to tell you
that Ludacris. You have three kids, with three different women. May I suggest
pulling out sometime, and finishing on some fine, highly absorbent Martha
Stewart bed linens?”
Martha Stewart.
Changing people’s lives for the better.
In the end, Bieber got up and delivered a few one liners that weren’t nearly as good as those
thrown at him. He also gave this, um, heartfelt speech:
“There’s been
moments I’m really proud of and a lot of moments I look back and I’m pretty
disappointed with myself for. But the things that I’ve done really don’t define
who I am. I’m a kind-hearted person who loves people and, through it all, lost
some of my best qualities. For that, I’m sorry. But what I can say is that I’m
looking forward to being someone you can look at and be proud of.”
*Cough* *Gag*
Really dude? You want me to believe that you’re suddenly going straight, being
a good little pop-star, and not going to get into more trouble? I’m not so sure.
So what was that all about? A publicity stunt? A public way to let everyone bash him so he can come clean and
start over? Did he really just have another birthday, wake up, and realize that
he was a giant douche canoe? The entire “Fallen-Angel” metaphor?
People can
grow up and get their shit together. Some do it, others….well, not so much.
Just read the headlines, as there are sadly too many to name. Only time will tell what will happen with this
dude.
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