Lord Stannis and Davos go to the Iron Bank, and get the smack down. You think that your blood gives you claim to our gold? Here our books are filled with numbers. We prefer the stories they tell. More plain, less open to interpretation. Like a good mathematical equation, the bank asks them: How many ships? How many men? How they feed those men? Um. Well. Ugh. Exactly. You can’t solve the quadratic equation and find the unknown. The bank basically tells them, dudes, your math sucks.
Yara heads to Dreadfort Castle to rescue her brother Theon. Ramsay has some wild sex. That boy likes it rough -- leaves all bloody and scratched (meow!) and looks for more bloodshed as he charges into the fray to hack up some dudes, finds it’s Yara and her men in armor. Honestly, he looks like he was whipped! Um, maybe he was...I don't know - could have been some red room of pain shit going on!
She’s kicking some ass and killing Ramsay’s men. Ramsay holds the key to the rabid dogs, Theon is trembling and broken in a cage, doesn’t recognize her, and sister runs off leaving Theon behind telling the others “my brother is dead.” Theon is all scratched and scarred as well, but that’s because Ramsay is a sick-freak and uses him as a whipping boy.
Meanwhile in a meadow…Look, it’s a shepherd boy and his dad. Then, hey look Dad, goats!
Woooosh. Dragon fire. Birria (that's spicy shredded Goat for all you non-Mexican's out there).
Dany is introduced on her throne with her eighteen names (can we just call her Queen of all Shit?) then Goat Dad comes in and tells her “hey Chica, your dragons came for my flock, now I have nothing”. She tells him: “I cannot bring back your goats, but I will pay you three times their value.” She’s so generous. He’s so excited he tip-toes backward right out of the throne room. Hizdarh wants to speak via a representative, and Danny says “he can speak to me himself!” He compliments her, and then tells her you’ve met my father – you crucified him. She’s not sympathetic, saying “I’m sorry you no longer have a father, but my treatment of those masters was no crime.” He wonders what about traditions? Funeral rite, temple of the graces for all 162 masters rotting in the sun. Um yah, be glad she didn’t sick her dragons on them like the goats.
Then....Law and Order, Criminal Intent!
Tommin recuses himself from the trial. Tywin will sit as judge, along with Prince Oberyn and Lord Varys. Tyrion stands accused of killing twit Joffrey. He shakes his head, denies his involvement as well as his wife Sansa’s.
“Maybe he choked on his pigeon pie…Blame the bakers, or the pigeons, just leave me out of it.”
Then a band of witnesses comes up and tells half stories, making Tyrion look evil while leaving out all the heinous crap that twit Joffrey did. Grandmaester states that Tyrion imprisoned him and stole his poison and it was that poison that killed Twit. The necklace Dantos gave to Sansa is produced showing the reside of the rare and terrible poison inside.
Then Cersei says Tyrion threatened her. Oh, it goes on and on! He was keeping whores in the tower!
Finally – trial break!
Jamie calls the trial a farce!
Tywin says “He killed his king” and Jamie shouts “So did I!”
Tywin: “He will be punished accordingly.”
Jamie: “Family is what lives on – dynasty that will live a thousand years. What happens when Tyrion dies? Who carries the line onto future battles?”
Jamie offers to leave kings guard in exchange for Tyrion’s life.
Daddy tricks him – telling he’ll let Tyrion live, but he will serve on the Nights Watch, Jamie resign as the King’s Guard, will marry, have little Lannisters, and carry on the name from the throne. Jamie tells Tyrion of the plan, and Tyrion isn’t so sure – after all, look at what happened to Ned Stark. Hmm.
And…then, here comes Shae! As the old saying goes…hell hath no fury as a whore cast aside. She says he is guilty and claims that Tyrion and Sansa planned Joffrey’s death as revenge for the Stark family slayings. She says she was his wife’s maid, but also his whore! She claims that Tyrion stole her, and did whatever he wanted. “I was his property and would wait for hours for him to use me. I called him my lion and said ‘I am yours and you are mine’”. Wow. That’s a sick, twisted version to make Tyrion look bad.
He looks at her, pleading “Please don’t”. She cries “I am a whore, remember?”
Tyrion asks “I wish to confess” He turns to the crowd: “I saved you. I saved this city. I should have let Stannis kill you all.”
Dad said “Hey I thought you wanted to confess”.
He says: "Yah dad, I’m guilty. Happy now? No I didn’t poison the king, I am guilty of more monstrous crime. Of being a dwarf. I’ve been on trial for that my entire life. Nothing but this in my defense – I did not kill Joffrey, but I wish that I had. Watching your vicious bastard die gave me more relief than a thousand lying whores. I wish I was the monster you believe I am. I will not give my life for twit Joffrey’s murder. I will get no justice here so I will let the gods decide my fate. I demand a trial by combat!"
HOLY SHIT! He’s got balls of steel! Combat court!! He’s just turned into fricken Yosemite Sam “I may be small, but I carry a biiiiig stick!” Actually, he's probably hoping Bronn will come in and kick some ass for him.
Of course, I’ve read the books and know what’s going down and I’m not telling!!
Until next week….. “Ya better say your prayers, ya flea-bitten varmint … I’m-a-gonna blow ya to smithereenies!”