Game of Thrones: The Lion and the Rose AKA: Joffrey imitates Loki

Game of Thrones: The Lion and the Rose

AKA: Joffrey imitates Loki

This episode begins with Ramsay and Myranda use some hell hounds to chase a girl through the woods. After shooting her with arrows so she can’t move, the hounds get to feast (because they’ve earned it). Ramsay brings Theon to Dreadfort, and Bolton is pissed to see that Ramsay messed that boy up! He trained him, by flaying a few bits, and removing a few others (Yikes! Did he take off his twigs and berries?). Bolton reminds that bastard he’s a Snow. He wanted to use him as a bargaining chip for some Moat Something (don’t ask – I wasn’t paying attention and didn’t remember that part of the books). He says he needed Theon. Ramsay blurts out that Bran and Rickon Stark is still alive, and Bolton goes all “Off with their heads”. In other words, hunt them down.

Tyrion and Jamie sit for lunch, but only one of them is eating.

Tyrion: Your new hand is nicer than the old one. Why is no one eating?

Jamie: I’m not hungry dude.

Tyrion: You lost a hand, not a stomach. A toast. To the proud Lannister children. The dwarf, the cripple, and the mother of madness.

They talk about his inability to fight, having a gold hand and all. Tyrion finds someone to help train Jamie become a south paw. The dude they find is hilarious! Jamie asks “Is this place safe?”

His reply: “There’s this knight. Right here is where I fuck his wife. She’s a screamer, that one. If they don’t hear her, they won’t hear us.”

Varys tells Tyrion that Cersei knows about his side-kick and Tywin has threatened to hang Tyrion for his whorish ways. Cersei tells Tywin about her at the wedding banquet.  Speaking of his whore, Shae finds Tyrion in in room, where he promptly tells her their “friendship” must end and he’s shipping her away. Shae of course calls him a coward, and a shouting match about her number ensues. He’s done with her.

Then, there’s the whole WEDDING. You know, the twit Joffrey. Okay, so Uncle Tyrion gives him a book, and Tyrion takes his new Valerian steel sword and cuts that bitch up into pieces. After giving his sword a name, he says every time he uses it, it’ll be like cutting off Ned Starks head all over again. Obviously, Sansa is not cool with that.

Gramma Olenna talks trash to Tywin.  “You ought to try something before you die!” LOL. Everyone enters the wedding arena, Olenna chats with Sansa. “Killing a man at a wedding. Horrid. As if a man needs another reason to fear marriage”

“We have a new Queen,” Sansa says. “Better her than you,” Tyrion snips. No shit huh?

 Jaime and Cersei both start pissing on their territory. Jaime gets in Ser Loras’ face about marrying Cersei. Obviously he didn’t see the looks given between him and Prince Oberyn! Jamie, no fear. Loras plays for the other team. Jamies tells Loras “If you were to marry Cersei, she’d murder you in your sleep. If you manage to put a child in her, she’ll murder it before it takes it’s first breath. You’ll never marry her.” To which Loras jabs: “And neither will you.” DAMN! Then, Cersei calls out Brienne love for Jaime. Catfight! Cersei sees Maester Pycelle and calls him out on his pervy ways. “You annoy me, right now” and demands she feed the leftovers to the dogs, and not the people as the her new Queen-Daughter-in-Law requested. 

Prince Oberian is there, he and Cersei trade jabs.

There’s jesters, and fools. Joffrey says that a wedding is not amusement, but then brings on the dwarf riders acting as the Five Kings. Really Joffrey? With Tyrion right there? You’re an ass. Obviously Joffrey is amused, Tyrion and others are pissy. Even Sansa is annoyed, but isn’t she always scowly? Then mini-Joffrey imitates chopping off Ned Starks head and fucking it making Sansa look like she wants to puke.

Joffrey cheers on his performers, then announces that surely there is someone else that would challenge his reign as king. THEN the twit calls out his uncle and asks him to participate in the fight. Tyrion says he’d rather not thankyouverymuch. Then Tyrion talks about his “performance” on the battlefield. Oh no he didn’t! We all know that the scared little twit was hiding the entire time!

Joffrey then spills wine on his uncle’s head, gets in his face and demands he bring him more wine as his cup bearer. Tyrion goes to get the cup, J-hole drops it then kicks it under a table, demanding “Bring me my goblet”. Sansa helps Tyrion by retrieving the cup and handing it to him. J-hole demands that it be filled with wine, and that’s where he gets all Loki “Kneel before your king. I SAID KNEEL!!!!!”

Leave it to the new queen Margaery to diffuse the tensions and say “look, Pie!” Joffrey take his new sword and cuts it open, and doves fly out of the top. Awww. Um, was that dead bird, or bird shit filling? Then as he eats the pie, he demands more wine, Tyrion hands him the cup that was on the table, and J-hole begins to cough. Cough Cough. Gag.  Drink more wine. And……he goes DOWN!

Mommie dearest and uncle Jamie run to him, while the fool / Dontos  tells Sansa that she has to leave now if she wants to go. Everyone’s focused on the dying Joffrey, who lifts a finger pointing at Tyrion as he is lifting the cup to inspect it. Nasty blood pours from his nose, his eyes are all bloodshot, and ding-dong the dick is dead!!

Cersei accuses Tyrion of poisoning her son, demanding he be taken by the guards.

So – who killed the king? I have no idea, but can I buy him/her a beer and a shot? Or two? 

Next week: 

Whoever killed the king wanted Tyrion’s head

Snow seeks justice

Visions and prophecies. 

Who protects them from Castle Black?

Deanerys returns throwing shit over the wall.