Game of Thrones: The Children. AKA: And you think your parents suck?

Yes, this a late post. I started summer vacation and was drinking margaritas and forgot to hit submit. Whoopsie. 

Jon Snow goes out to meet the leader of the Wildlings, Mance Rayder. He may be the leader of a gang of thugs, but isn’t that the coolest name ever? 

Mance. 

Rayder. 

Where was I? Oh, right. Chat with the leader. 

Mance tells him they’re flying south to avoid those freaky white walkers. Then in comes Stannis! He takes his role of king and with his army, but doesn’t chop everyones head off, not yet. Jon tells Stannis that since Mance gave him mercy when he was captive, the same should be bestowed upon Mance. 

Awww. That’s sweet. 

 Jon then takes his beloved Ygritte and burns her body in the woods. 

Cercei brings in a younger, voodoo witch-doc to help save Mountain. Didn’t that dude die? Guess not. So Cers wants him around to be per personal thug. Then she gives her dad, Tywin, his Fathers day present: I’m not marrying Loras, I’m keeping my baby Tommen. Oh and hey! Guess what else? Those whispered rumors are true - I’m shagging my brother, and oh yah, I’ll burn the house down before I do what you want! She then finds her brother lover and gives him a big smooch, telling him “I love you brother. I choose you.” 

Dragons are in a serious time out!

Daenerys Targaryen, a.k.a. the Mother of Dragons, a.k.a. Queen of Meereen, a.k.a. Mother effening Queen of blah blah blah, has put two of her three dragon teens in time out when the third is discovered to be off confusing children for goats, burning them to crispy critters. Taking them to the dungeon, she ties them up and locks them in. They are not happy! They scream at her as she looks over her shoulder and locks them in.

Bran and his gang of kids head toward the magical tree, only to be ambushed by White Walkers hiding in the snow.  Bran does his possession thing with Hodor again, and saves everyone but Jojen. The creepy 'children' girl calls them to run to the cave, which has a magical barrier barring zombie skeletons from entering. They are taken to see the wizard (The Three-Eyed Raven), who tells Bran he will fly. Cue R. Kelly music. 

Arya and The Hound meet up with Brienne and Podrick. Bri is surprised to find Arya. Tells her she made her mom a promise to bring her home. Arya gets sassy and says “yah, well, mommy is dead, so is my sister and brother so no, I’m not going with you.” Hound fights to keep Arya as well, and Brienne and Hound fight for her. Brienne voys to keep Arya safe. Hound answers back “There’s no safety, you dumb bitch,” he says. “If you don’t know that by now, you’re the wrong one to be watching over her.”

This is a smack down to the extreme. Swords. Punches.  They kick each other in the balls. Then, Hound goes over a cliff, and Bri searches for Arya. Unable to find her hiding amongst the rocks, she and Pod go off in search of her. Arya goes down to see Hound. He’s dying, tells her “remember where the heart is?” and begs her to kill him. Arya being all bad-ass, walks away. Leaving him there to die a grisly death. Before she goes, she takes his coin of course.

Did The Hound really die? IDK. I thought the same thing about The Mountain and he’s still alive. 

Tyroin is still waiting for his death scence. Jamie comes in to save him, and sends him on his way through a passageway. Tyrion decides to take one last look at his old room before going off to wherever, and sees Shae. She’s on the bed waiting for daddy dearest. Tyrion is shocked, pissed, and she goes after him but he strangles her with her gold necklace. When it’s over, he whispers “I’m sorry.” Sorry? Tyrion you needed to strangle that biatch!

Then, he continues on his path to find daddy. Grabbing a crossbow, he opens a door to find his father sitting on a throne. Not THAT throne…ahem. The other one. While dad is on the pot, Tyrion points the crossbow at him. Tywin says he really wasn’t going to kill his son, and son is all “yah right dad.” Tyrion  says he killed Shae, Tywin calls her a whore, Tyrion says “Don’t call her that” and shoots one arrow at him. When daddy-dearest says she’s a whore again, Tyrion shoots him with a second arrow and kills him. Dad killed while sitting on the throne. Classic! 

Tyrion is then loaded into a box, loaded on a boat, and goes off to sea with Varys as his guide. Also off to sea is Arya. She finds a captain who initially won’t help her until she hands over her special coin and says “Valar Morghulis”. Hocus – pocus, magic words, she’s not only let on the ship but given a cabin. Final scene has her running to the front of the ship and doing the Titanic pose. 

So that’s all folks until next season. What happens to the third dragon? Tyrion? Arya when she gets to Braavos? What about the new dark Sansa? We’ll have to wait for the next season. 

Until then, I leave you with a dancing Tyrion, celebrating killing his evil dad, his whore, and of course, his release!